I've been thinking on the meaning of this song and while most people have a secular view, as a Christian, i see it in a different light. It completely reminds me of my faith in relationship to Jesus Christ. It brings me back to a place of despair and heavy depression.
"Hold me now i need to feel relief, like i never wanted anything..i suppose i'll let this go and find a reason i'll hold onto, i'm so ashamed of defeat..and i'm out of reason to believe in me..i'm out of trying to get by..."
I fought for perfection, tried to be good and tried to fit in a world where everyone would accept me by follow religious rules until life became burdensome as i failed in my efforts. I found no joy and lost the motivation to continue living because there was nothing that made me whole. I came to a point where i needed a reason for living, but i was ashamed of admitting my failures and weaknesses. I had lost faith in myself and was tired of pretending that everything was fine. I had received forgiveness, redemption for my soul, and the gift of salvation, but eventually, i practically cried out to God from inside:
" I'm so afraid of the gift you give me..i don't believe here and i'm not well..i'm so ashamed of the lie i'm living..right on the wrong side of it all..
I can't face myself when i wake up and look inside a mirror, i'm so ashamed of that thing...i suppose i'll let it go till i have something more to say for me..i'm so afraid of defeat..and i'm out of reason to believe in me..i'm out of trying to defy.."
Days passed like shadows as i sunk into depression and felt guilty for being selfish, arrogant, and prideful. Where once i was proud in front of all of my self-righteous attitude, now i had felt so much shame. I could not accept myself for who i was. I thought i had forgiven myself, but i was afraid of failing God by sinning. I no strength to get out of the ditch of despair that i had fallen into to find grace by looking at the cross where Jesus had died for my sins. I had lost the will in trying to deny who i was.
"Hold me now i need to feel complete..like i mattered to the one i need.."
I needed someone to save me from all the pain and loneliness i had felt. I needed to fill the gap of emptiness and be whole and i needed to be accepted for being imperfect. Without God, i would have nothing to live for because there is nothing in the world that could replace the emptiness that was killing me.
"Now i'm ashamed of this..i am so ashamed of this..Now i'm so ashamed of me..i am so ashamed of me..."
I had faced the shame of these problems, these inner struggles. In the end, i was left with guilt of being exposed for who i tried so hard not to be.
